Christmas is right around the corner and each year, as the holiday season draws nearer, single girls everywhere begin to feel super lame for not having that “special someone” to ring in the new year with. Seeing snow-covered couples stroll through the mall and watching uber cheesy holiday movies can leave you feeling a little bit lonely and longing for companionship.
The funny thing about the holidays is that they seem to get to everyone. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that, at times, Christmas even finds its way into my stone cold heart. All the merriment that this type of year brings often makes me question whether I really do love being single as much as I claim to or if I should give dating another try. This year especially, I have been bombarded with the presence of all my friends’ superb boyfriends and left feeling like the cute, yet annoying stray dog who’s always there but seems to belong to no one.
Well, much like any momentary relapse or temporary spout of amnesia - this feeling did not last long. A brief exchange of words with an old “friend” left me reassured that getting down on myself for not having a boyfriend for Christmas is the last thing I should be doing. The truth is that the current selection of available males are disgustingly unappealing in more ways than one. As a matter of fact, after the story I am about to account, I plan to write a personal thank you letter to Santa for not placing such a moron under my tree this year.
Many people associate the month of December solely with holiday parties and baked goods- a time of virtually no stress. While that may be the life for some, I for one, will not have the luxury of dreaming of sugar plums until the fateful date of December 20th when my dreadful exams have finally concluded. Instead of putting up my tree, building a snowman, or enjoying a nice mug of hot chocolate, I’m stuck memorizing lecture slides, leafing through notebooks, and burying my head in one boring textbook after the next. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right?
Now, I like to think that I’m a pretty proactive student when it comes to studying for exams. I put in a solid effort to be accurately prepared for each test and most often, stress myself out far beyond necessary. This year has proven to be no different as exam period has barely begun and I’ve already dedicated a significant number of hours each day to understanding the vast amounts of material covered in my twelve-week semester.
This being said, I’m no angel and can also easily get distracted by the television, phone calls, or my various social media sites. In fact, I’m almost certain that despite my “hardcore studying”, I was still able to update my Twitter status at least every 1-2 hours. Don’t judge, even Einstein took a break once in awhile.
So, around 9 o’clock this evening, I had come to the executive decision that my brain was ready to shut down for the night. I had successfully learned five chapters of material and I thought I would let my mind process it until tomorrow morning when I would wake up to resume my study habits. After watching the season premiere of “The Sing-Off” (aka real life Glee, WATCH IT!) I decided to creep around Facebook and see what everyone had been up to in the last few hours as well as get the feel for its new, atrocious layout (shudder). It didn’t take long before a few friends began chatting me on Facebook chat- a feature that I’m still undecided about. Its hard to determine whether I find it convenient or ridiculously annoying- on the one hand you can multitask by talking and creeping simultaneously but on the other hand, anyone and everyone can talk to you; making for some extremely awkward conversations … please read on.
At first I was talking with a good friend from my program, exchanging our current feelings on the upcoming exam. It’s always comforting to compare notes with your fellow students and reassure yourself that you’re on the same page as others. After a few minutes, the conversation began to die down so I opened a new tab to check my email. However, when I returned to my Facebook homepage, I was startled to see a chat bubble lit up, displaying a message from a completely random, “ex-acquaintance” at best- someone I had no desire in talking with.
Here’s where many will ask “Well, if you didn’t want to talk to him, why didn’t you just ignore the message?” Thank you for that wonderful advice but much like many of my stories, I could never have dreamed that a perceived “innocent” online chat could have resulted in the monstrosity in which it did so I felt there was no harm in simply returning the hello.
Now, for purpose of telling the story (and to hopefully humiliate them), we’ll call the “ex-acquaintance” WeirDO. This particular male was a good friend of my ex-
douche bag boyfriend which should have been a warning sign to begin with but alas, I was foolish once again.
The conversation began with harmless yet stupid banter; you know the whole “What are you too cool to say hello anymore?” (why yes I am, thank you for noticing) and such. However, it didn’t take long for the conversation to move to new heights with him telling me not to forget who made me “Miss Popular” (umm, myself thank you very much) and asking if I had acquired a new boyfriend since becoming free from my previous lapse in judgment.
I responded with a “No thanks, boyfriends are overrated.” – a line that led WeirDO down a path he was entirely NOT welcome on.
I find it very interesting that boys seem to think it’s some sort of requirement to ask girls about their current relationship status and then go on to attempt to compliment them in the most obtrusive ways. For example, WeirDO began by comparing me to a “mini Megan Fox” (of course, who wouldn’t?) before telling me that he just had to admit that he had always liked me better than my ex ;) (insert creep wink and all). While I could hardly conceal how much I was blushing (yea right) I attempted to move the conversation in another direction by saying that I didn’t really associate with my ex anymore as we no longer get along (to put it VERY nicely). Well this was a huge and utter mistake as this led to quite possibly the most awkward conversation I have ever been faced with. (side note, exception: my disaster date)
For whatever reason WeirDO takes my statement as the perfect segue way into discussing my past relationship’s *ahem “private life”.
He opens with “So now that you and him are done, you gotta tell me.. how was it? Was he a hero?”
Excuseeeee me?? Okay one, how exactly is a “hero in the bedroom” defined and two, no, he definitely was not.
As I try to coyly blow off the question with a subtle yet obvious “You’re a creep, and that’s none of your business”, he begins to pry more! He retorts with “How am I a creep? I’m a guy, we like to know these things so if you don’t answer I’m just gonna assume it was bad and he’s my boy so I don’t want to do that if its not true”.
Assume all you want! Has he never heard of “no response, is the response” - as in please shut the f*ck up before you shove your foot even more down your throat? I decide it best to just ignore the comment, close the chat, and navigate away from my Facebook. There is no way WeirDO hasn’t gotten the hint by now that 1) its very inappropriate to be asking about this and 2) I am not comfortable commenting on the subject. I mean you would have to be a brainless idiot to continuing adding fuel to this soon to be monstrous forest fire.
Well, apparently brainless idiots are on special this holiday season because when I returned to my Facebook, the chat bubble was once again lit up displaying the most horrifying message from WeirDO yet.
*Ahem, and I quote:
“Just be honest Mathri, I mean he couldn’t have been that great. He’s too small to do all the crazy stuff. There’s no way he could have picked you up and thrown you around like I could.”
Cue jaw drop. Cue horrifying scream. Cue mental bitch slap across the FACE! Is this guy serious?! Is this supposed to be a pick up line? Some creepy “this is what could have been” digital fantasy? I mean there is just no way to respond to this. I’m disgusted, I’m repulsed, I’m offended in more ways than one (I mean first that you’d even make the comment and second, was that an insult at my weight?!). I sit staring at my computer screen for a good five minutes without any response before this delightful remark comes through:
“Are you blushing? :)”
Umm NO! I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!
From there on, the conversation didn’t last much longer but let’s just say, from that moment on WeirDO got to see quite a different side of me. No longer was I willing to play along with his terrible attempt at flirting or complimenting or WHATEVER it was! No, now I was just pissed off, annoyed, and ready to let him have it.
I sent back some rather, “unladylike” words if you will. Not before telling him to please never contact me again and if he was wondering why I never talked to him before this, be sure to not expect it after.
Safe to say, this little occasion merely reminded me as to why I wish to maintain my single status. If WeirDO is any bit of an accurate representation of what there is to choose from out there, I think I’ll stay happily single for the rest of my life. Its truly a wonder that so many guys are so perplexed as to why so many girls are the conniving bitchy individuals that we are. I wonder who made us like this… ? I know, one of life’s many mysteries I’m sure.
So girls, if the holidays have you feeling blue that you don’t have a hunny bunny to call your own with whom you can cuddle next to the fire with while watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” (gag), don’t sweat it. In my opinion, you’re better off that way. This holiday season I have decided that the only thing boyfriends are really good for, is for buying you that stupidly expensive gift that you just can’t live without (this year, mine is a Dior bracelet).
And so, this holiday season; although I may not have a boyfriend, I do have a long list of admirers (case in point, WeirDO) so this year I have decided that I will take up contributions from all on said list to purchase myself exactly what I want. Call me selfish, call me vain, I call it fabulously independent with all the right tricks.
So boys, please make cheques payable to:
18655 HeartLake Road
Caledon, Ontario L7K 2A5
As for you WeirDO, I’ll be expecting an exceptionally large amount from your chequing account. Please express mail it, you know what they say about the Christmas rush. :)
Happy Holidays! xoxo
PS: For anyone else that is unsure of what to give me, I would also like a sign for my door that reads “WARNING: Ferocious Beast Inside” so as to avoid any similar incident where I am incorrectly interpreted as nice.